The Blame Game - "I Get To Be Right!"

Blame. It's an easy thing to assign, but takes a lot of work to avoid. And yet, placing blame or ignoring culpability is what we do best, isn't it?

Not too long ago I found myself living in the past. I was recalling a life transition I had made years earlier: leaving television completely and focusing fully on my coaching services (which ironically is Transitional Strategies!) I caught myself putting aside the excitement of my new path in favor of dwelling on choices I had made in the past which may have steered me away from a growing career as TV host and news personality. And I was reconnecting with the anger I felt years earlier.

As a younger man I loved my TV career. When I started in the business, I was determined to be the top host in the world - landing the best show on TV and giving it my all every week. I landed several big shows on big networks like HGTV, Discovery Channel, and National Geographic Channel, and to keep stability and make more money along the way I worked for a local TV news station doing traffic and weather. I had my goals firmly set, I had a plan for my life and my career, and I saw my finish line.

But all of that changed several years ago when an unusual set of circumstances came together in the perfect storm and I lost all 3 television projects I was working on within weeks of each other. In that one month span my entire plan was wiped out, and I was faced with a blank slate, and no other viable plan to replace it. 

But I actually did have a back up plan, and I was already working it, I just didn't give it the credit it was due.

Since childhood I have been a student of enlightenment, motivation and serving others. When I was 10 I helped my grandfather deliver meals on wheels to his friends who were house-bound prompting one of our recipients to remark about me: "That kid has the heart of a volunteer." In grade school I found myself advising all my friends about their home lives, love lives, personal struggles and more. I just came naturally to me, and I had great results with it. I attended my first open AA meeting with my mother at the age of 13, and continued to go on my own for years after. 

In college I studied the workshops and teachings of Tony Robbins, Zig Ziglar, Wayne Dyer, Leo Buscaglia, and many others. In my early 30's I completed the Landmark Education Curriculum for excellence, eventually becoming a head coach for Landmark programs in Los Angeles. In my late 30's, after hiring a coach to help me remove a serious personality block, I was so impressed with the techniques he used, I earned my own certification in Neuro-Linguistic Programming, Hypnotherapy and Timeline Therapy. All this work I treated as a hobby as I built my TV career.

But with my chosen career at a sudden standstill, I was faced with a choice - one that I had not considered previously because of my earlier success: Do I continue to pursue the elusive TV deal, or do I do what I've always done so well... help others? I chose the later and never looked back.

Until recently. Which brings me back to my point: Blame.

At the time of my great transition, I was filled with anger and blame for the people I held responsible for my circumstances. I blamed my parents, my brother, the TV executives, the business itself, and anyone else I could think of to fuel my anger and ultimately be right! By being angry at others, I got to be right about my position, and not focus any of the culpability where it belonged. With me.

And that's what blame does - it gives you the freedom to avoid personal responsibility, and be right about your anger. But hanging on to your anger and justifying it with blame only perpetuates the issue and its resolution can remain painfully at bay. 

Take my example: As my TV career ended I was absolutely sure that the business and everyone in it was out to stop me from having what I wanted. I blamed everyone for the downfall I experienced and cursed the ones who were successful. I lived in that blame, being right, and staying stuck with no direction to turn.

Then one day, not too long after, I got an email from someone that I had helped when going through my NLP certification. As training, I took on someone (at no charge) who wanted to quit drinking. I had plenty of experience with alcoholism, and with my new NLP tools was able to get her to stop drinking completely. She had just reached her 1 year sobriety milestone and was writing to thank me for changing her life. 

The letter floored me. 

I realized by the time I was done reading it that from early on in my life I was a major success. My volunteer heart, my love for enlightenment, motivation, and helping others along with my personal experiences all added up to who I have become now. But to get here, I needed to stop blaming others for what were ultimately my choices. 

It was my choice to pursue a life in television where very few people achieve lasting success. It was my choice to stay in a career which was so dramatically up and down. It was my choice to try to prove to myself and others that I could achieve the goals I set despite the odds. I chose the life, but I didn't choose it powerfully - which means the bad with the good - and ultimately discovered we just weren't meant for each other. At least not right now. 

Accountability set me free from the trap of blind persistence and I, my clients, andyou are all the beneficiaries of that change. I am living my destiny and its effortless. 

So what does accountability mean for you? When was the last time you challenged yourself to release blame and take responsibility for your own choices? Pick one time in your life where you blamed others for something that could have been easily your responsibility and revisit the issue. Close your eyes, focus on the whole issue, and see if you can see your part in it. 

Look at something differently, and that thing changes.

Be your best,

-Steve

My 'Life as a House'

Ladies!  It was so great to connect with all of you last week - thank you for your courage and your determination.  I have a story I want to share with you...


In 2001, Kevin Kline starred in a movie about George, a divorced father in the final stages of his losing battle with cancer, trying to reconnect with his estranged 16-year-old son, while also rebuilding the broken pieces of his own past by tearing down the dilapidated house left to him by his abusive father, and building a new one in its place. If you haven't seen this amazing movie its worth a watch - mainly for the poignant final words spoken in the film as it fades to black. 

The thrust of the tome serves as a window into the core of our struggle as humans - we're all doing our best with what we've been given, despite often appearing to be doing much less in the eyes of those who love and need us the most. 

When George demands that his son join him for the summer to help finish building the house, he is met with huge resistance. George's son spends most of the summer trying to get out of the sun-up to sun-down work his father asks of him. By the end of the film, however, George reveals he is battling cancer and he needs his son to finish the house he won't be able to complete on his own. His son, struck by opposing feelings of rage, concern, and needful love, releases his final anger towards his father and becomes the caretaker his father could never be. The two reunite in a final effort to end the cycle of misunderstanding, rage, and abuse, and George's son comes to love his father in a way George's father never earned. 

For me the film was the catalyst for my improved relationship with my dad; I was able to see my father as George, the tormented workaholic who was harder on himself than any member of his family, and as a result nearly lost everyone close to him because of his behavior. But my dad, like George, is really a good guy - talented and smart, funny and loving. It was his circumstances (demanding job, impossible home life growing up, demons of his own past behavior haunting him constantly) that kept him from enjoying a life free from the scorn of others he may have hurt. I came to know my father as a person, not an unreachable entity, and I realized that he - like all of us - is doing his best with what he was given to make it in this world.

He's a good man and a really good grandfather, and I'm so happy to have him in my life and in the lives of my children.

For my own story, I was determined to tear away the rotting wood, weak foundations, and leaky plumbing in my 'house' before it became an expensive tear-down. Part of that personal remodel for me was the understanding that while doing my best I am going to stumble, make mistakes with my children and wife, and not always be perfect... and that's okay. I'm doing my best with what I've been given, while seeking wisdom and growth - and that's enough.

What parts of your house need remodeling? Is your foundation strong enough to take on some renovations? Who will benefit from the new you? Wouldn't it be wonderful if at the end of your movie, when your house is complete, you've left a warm hearth in which your loved ones can find comfort?

Be your best!
-Steve

FAITH

Persistence is the key to success.  Never giving up, never giving in, never giving out - but persevering despite every muscle in your body, every voice in your head screaming "STOP!  Go back to when you were comfortable!  Life was easier, even though you were miserable knowing you were meant for something better!"

When that voice enters my head I choose to acknowledge it.  After all, it is a living thing just like we are and it wants to live!  So I simply say "Thank you for sharing, I hear you, now GET OUT OF MY WAY!"

We're getting close to the finish line, ladies.  I'm sorry I haven't been around to give you more in-person encouragement, but it doesn't mean I don't think about you ever day, send my thoughts and prayers, and smile at the thought of what you are doing.

It's always near the end when we start to truly test our limits - or more accurately, our limits are truly tested.  It's time now to have faith in this process and keep going!  See yourself at the finish line and you will make it there.

I'll see you there.  I'm so proud of all of you!

Know yourself, don't NO yourself

-Coach Steve

The NO Zone

Who are you stumbling for?  Who are you failing for?  Who are you drinking / drugging for?

Tough question, although not really.  Often the very people you blame for your problems in your life are the ones you may be hanging your disfunction on as a reason to stay dysfunctional.  After all pain, rejection, disappointment - these are simple, expected emotions.  Victory, achievement, joy - these are emotions you may not always expect on a consistent basis, but pine for nonetheless.

This is what I call living in The NO Zone; a place we desperately wish we could get out of, but one that is too familiar, certain, and consistent to leave because at least you know what to expect from it.  It's safer to stay here and live a life of want, than to venture out and risk losing everything.  And so you stay in your corner and develop elaborate schemes to blame outside forces for your immobilization.  This blame game is simple:  you have a person or event in your life which you wear like a coat, protecting you from risking a more powerful future, a more positive life.  Perhaps you have your whole story set up: "He did this, so therefore I am like this..." you'll say to yourself and anyone else who listens.  "I'm like this because of this..." you might continue.

Enough.

Today is the day you release your 'reasons' for failure and take on a new story of success - a story you can begin writing right now with these simple phrases...

"Today is the day.  I am the person."
"I make the choice, God makes the change."

You already know what you need to let go of to move forward.  Jealousy of another, hatred, blame, resentment, and on and on.  You already know, but hanging on to these negative emotions let you have one aspect of control over your life - being RIGHT.  You get to be right about your anger by making the other person / thing wrong.

And so you stay in The NO Zone getting to be right, and never moving forward.

Are you ready to release this negative aspect and begin anew?  Today?  NOW?

If so, you have one thing to do - you already know what it is.  Do it and the results will astound you.

Today is the day.  You are the person.  You make the choice, God will make the change.

Choose wisely, powerfully, lovingly... and see what happens.

Know yourself, don't NO yourself.

The Guard at the Castle Gate

Ladies - I miss you!  I spoke with Basheerah today and we're both eagerly awaiting the chance to set up a Skype appointment between myself and all of you - it's coming soon.  In the meantime, we're going to do two very specific things:

1.  Take a long slow, deep breath.  Exhale.  Drop the shoulders.  Release tension.  And repeat after me:    
     "If I can create the anxiety, then I can release it."

2.  Let's get angry!  It's time someone got fired, and that someone is the guard standing at the gates of
     your fortress not allowing greatness in, or the old you out.

Things don't happen to us, they happen and we make meaning out of it.

Is there such a thing as reality?  Collectively, perhaps not.  After all, just look at our political system:  One politician's victory is his detractor's disaster!  But individually well all see life as we choose to basedon our own "filter" system, what I call "The Guard at the Castle Gate."

Imagine you live behind the castle wall.  Within those walls of your fortress live your ideas, thoughts, beliefs, dreams, and nightmares.  Each and every minute information comes to you from the outside world... like a messenger from another village.  The guard at the gate is charged with allowing the information to pass through the gate, but only from him, not the messenger.  So if the messenger tells the guard that there is peace in the land, and all is well, the guard may in turn relay them essage as "It's all quiet... a little TOO quiet" and inject fear or anxiety.  This is how our perception filters work.  Billions of bits of information surround us every millisecond of every day and we - only able to process several hundred bits of the information at a time - must choose what we're going to process at any given moment, and - more importantly - how we're going to precess it.  If you're predisposed to believing that you were born to lose, and someone tells you to try out for the soccer team, or run for office, or ask that cute guy out on a date, or you might be next in line for a promotion... it's possible that you will process that hopeful information into "Yeah, but I won't get it," or "He'll just dump me," or  "Good times never last," and you'll never experience the experience for what it is:  AN EXPERIENCE!

In my own life I can tell you that for years the guard at my gate would stand tall, protecting the wall.  When anyone approached to pay me a compliment, I would shout over the wall "What did they say?" and the guard would always respond "You're still a loser!"  Vigilant, smarter than me, and committed to my despair, my guard - who I hired, put in place, and kept paying - did his job masterfully.  Until one day when I realized the only thing stopping me from experiencing the world as it is, not how I think it is, was to remove the guard, and begin listening for new information... information that was already there, but I couldn't hear because of low self-esteem.  I now allow information to flow freely back and forth in my life, hearing the compliments, and also 'being' my best in every situation with the belief that I deserve to be here and deserve to be happy.  Do you feel that way?  Why not?

I just received a letter today from someone struggling with major adversity in her life.  This is the response I gave her:

Your story is heart breaking.  I can’t imagine the pain you’re feeling.

There’s some good news I want to share with you.  You Are Not Your Circumstances!  Despite the incredible obstacles you face today and from your past, they bear NO reflection on you as a person, or what you deserve.  You as a person are whole and complete.  You’re not broken, cursed, destined to lose, or undeserving of the best life has to offer.  It just may seem that way based on the events going on around you.

You have a tremendous amount of ‘stuff’ happening in your life right now and when you add it all up, it feels like a black cloud is raining over you while you’re drowning slowly in quick sand.  I get it.

There is no quick fix here, and few things are in your control (the passing of your mother, the injury to your back, etc).  But what you do have control over is how you react to these challenges, and what you say about yourself along the way.  I know it seems little comfort right now, but truthfully, it’s the best thing you can do – and one of the few things you have control over right now.

Each morning is an opportunity for you to rise victorious over one thing: NEGATIVE THOUGHTS.  When you awaken, the first thought in your head will set you up for the day.  Asking “Why is this happening to me?” or “Will this nightmare ever end?” only brings the energy toward the problem.  

You must master this first morning flash of consciousness, and channel your energy toward positive thinking.

Example: My pastor told me once “Nobody wakes up happy and successful, it’s a choice!”  I believe that to be true.  Instead of waking up and thinking “Oh lord, another day of difficulties... How will I manage?”  You have the power to say “Another day above ground.  Good start!  Now... How can I make this the most powerful day possible?”  By asking powerful questions “How can I make this situation work for me?”, or “What do I have control over today?”, or “What can I do to accomplish my goals?” you set in motion the energy needed to answer those powerful questions.

Think of it in terms of CAUSE AND EFFECT.  If you sit in the middle of your problems looking out, all you see in every direction are problems.  You are on the EFFECT side of life, letting it take over all your thoughts and emotions.

To be at CAUSE in your life, try this:  Close your eyes, and see if you can imagine yourself rising above your life right now.  High above – a mile or two – until the bubble of your circumstances below you appears small, almost non-existent.  Now look around and listen.  What do you see?  What do you hear?  The rest of the space in your life is waiting to be filled with possibility, hope, determination, strength, belief, and wisdom.  You have all of that right now, you’re just too mired in you circumstances to see it.

Each morning when you wake, rise above, listen and look for the calming wisdom of the universe.  Don’t jump out of bed, don’t do anything.  The world will still be there and can wait another 10 minutes for you.  Feel its intention for you.  Believe you are worth it.

This is a small step, not the magic bullet you might have been hoping for, but in life there are no magic bullets.  There is only the power we possess to control our reaction.  And by controlling our reaction to things, we send out the signal that we are not effected by these circumstances, we are at cause in our lives, seeking a higher understanding and a more resolute intention for our lives.

Send that message out and see what you get back, the results may surprise you.

I wish you luck, strength, and wonderful mornings.

Coach Steve 

 You're all going through a very difficult time right now, mainly because this is the first time in your life you're truly committed to your own greatness - a relationship you may not have had before.  It can be scary, different, new, uncertain.  AND THAT'S GOOD!

Treat it like going on a blind date with the new you!  Find out all about you... revel in the uncertainty of 'who really is this person, I'm intrigued!'  Make it a game.

Remember, ladies, life is a conversation.  That's all it is.  What are you talking about today?  Your best, or your worst.  If the worst, then bless it and let it go - give it up to God, he'll take it.  What's left if the best of you and that's the person I want you to get to know.

Until we speak again, Coach Steve saying...

Know yourself, don't NO yourself

Steve on Maria Shriver's Home Page!

Check out my blog post for Maria Shriver's home page:

http://bit.ly/pKbqR9

It's all about what stops you and how you can hit the target for success!

Coach Steve

Face your fears!

Hi ladies!  I'm winging off to New York this week and have just a limited time, but I wanted to say hello and that I'm thinking about all of you and the hard and important work you're doing to better your lives and the lives of others!

Upcoming:

•  I'm going to be sending copies of my book to Basheerah to hand out to all of you, I hope you enjoy it.
•  We're also talking about setting up a Skype session between myself and all of you sometime in the very near future.  I want to talk with you all and see in person the wonderful transformations I'm hearing about.

Finally, I wanted to share with you my blog post for "Know yourself, don't NO yourself" this week.  I hope it inspires you to look beyond fear and focus on a successful outcome.  Here's the link:  http://stevetruitt.blogspot.com/2011/09/fear-itself.html

Be good to yourselves and each other and I'll see you all very soon!

Be your best,

Coach Steve